Come on Irene

August, 28th, 2011

Huricane Irene hit the east coast last night around 21:00 last night and I wouldn't have known to save my life if I didn't work in a theatre.
That’s not true; I probably would have figured it out wherever I worked because of the state of emergency and something about it being illegal to work today or some nonsense like that.
And the facebook updates.
Anyhow, everyone was buying up water bottles, candles, batteries, and dry foods like it was Y2K all over again.
People are so prone to panic.
We, at Olympus (the official name of the house that me, Mallory Anderson, and Ariel Greninger are staying at. Mallory is Athena. Ariel is Aphrodite. Me? Dionysus, baby. Our rooms are named appropriately), prepared by setting aside a bit of water, closing the windows, and we put some things off the ground.
Then we decided on the night of the hurricane we would drink champagne and eat cheeses, fruits, and other fancy things, including Oreo knock offs and chips and salsa. After our champagne we decided it would be a good idea to get more booze.
So we did.
Spiced rum, mandarin vodka, Spanish wine, and some mixers.
Me and Chance, who drove with Ariel up here not too long ago, mixed up a crazy icy-rum and vodka drink with pineapple juice and some other random bits.
It wasn't good.
It also wasn't bad.
The alcohol however, was not easy to taste.

Good ideas.
After having a fair share of vodka, rum, and citrusy things, we decided it would be a good idea to go swimming in the nearby swimming hole.
In the middle of a goddamn hurricane.
So we did.
Ariel, Chance, and I all dipped in while Mallory stayed sentinel.
We swam out, laughing our heads off to the floating slide.
We slid down the slide, in the middle of a goddamn hurricane, and then went back to shore.
We laughed about this, and then went home.
A dumb but fun little romp.
We then proceeded to drink more drinks, and watch a movie.
In the middle of watching Forgetting Sarah Marshal, Chance and I decided it would be a good idea to go swimming again.
So we did again.
Apparently there was lightning.
This was clearly an awesome idea, so we went down the floating water slide twice.
The second time face first.
I know this is the part of the story you've been waiting for.
You've been thinking “When’s cosmic justice going to slap this idiot in the face?”
And now must be the time!
But it wasn't.
And it didn't.
After swimming we went back home, drank more, and Ariel and I argued over the attractiveness of a few boys, while I immaturely put my own foam boobs on Mallory’s sleeping head.
And then I went to bed.

How did I prepare for Hurricane Irene?
I placed my electronics on my top shelf.
I drank a bunch of booze.
I went swimming.
I watched a movie.
I went swimming, again.
I argued about cute boys.
I put foam boobs on Mallory's head.
And then I went to sleep.

Wake up call
I wake up to BAM BAM BAM.
“Mwuh” I half heartedly mumble.
“Wake up. The house has flooded.”
“What?” I ask, as I, for not believing the ridiculosity of the situation, swing my hand down to the ground clumsily.
I’m awake.
I know what you’re thinking.
“No you don’t”
Yes, yes I do. You’re thinking “Cosmic Justice is Served!”
Admit it, you totally were.
Well you’re either wrong, or cosmic justice is a weak and insecure character, probably written by Tennessee Williams.
Our house flooded with 1 finger heights of water.
We lost 2 warranted laptops, and a phone that was at the end of its contract that will be replaced easily. Later on I lost a 12 dollar shelf, but that was much later in the day.
$12 and a bit of work to have swam not once, but twice, in the middle of a goddamn hurricane?
Shamown Irene!
Pithy yet weak cosmic justice if you ask me.

Cleaning water
After the rude awakening and cursing myself for shucking my pants off by the side of my bed before sleeping, I began hanging up my dirty laundry and the few clothing articles I had left on the floor.
Thank Reb Anderson’s gun that I had recently bought a small bookshelf to put my clothes in.
Until said bookshelf was purchased, I had been leaving them in neat piles inside my two suitcases on the floor.
And then I began to bail water.
And by “I,” I mean the whole house.
Looks like a water table flood, or at least that’s what Ariel tells me, and it makes sense.
Joisy had twice the rain it normally has in August this go around, and then it rain 2-3 inches a goddamn hour during Ms. Irene’s fit.
So we got buckets, and trash cans, and plastic bins, and began bailing water off the floor into bigger trashcans to be taken to the bathroom.
We did this a lot and for a long time.
There was much coffee.
We tried really hard to get a wet-vac, but the roads around town had been really badly flooded.
We contacted out landlord’s daughter, as that our landlord, who resides above us in the same house, is currently in England.
She tried to be helpful, but floods prevented her from showing up.
Mallory’s Mom, a thousand blessings upon her, called up the local Mormons to come help us.
And they would have, except for the flooded roads.
Power was off and on a lot, but it was never off for more than 5 minutes.
So that was nice.
In the mean time we bailed water, and made food.
Scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Grilled cheese for lunch.
Home-made barbeque chicken pizza for dinner (which I am currently eating, be jealous).
Around noonish Mallory and Chance left to get a wet-vac from the theatre we work at, so Ariel and I decided to do some mold busting.

Mold Busting
Resplendent FUCK!
How much mold?
There was also a lot of wet dust.
So we bleached the ever loving bodhi out of it.
We’re going to need new dry wall and paint in several places.
After a while, we seemed to be making progress, which meant water wasn't leaking in anymore.

PANIC! (Not at the disco)
As I cleaned out the unfinished room behind the Lounge Dionysian, that’d be my room if you couldn't put that together, I noticed a bit of paper.
Then the bit of paper got stuck in the wet-vac.
Then I saw what was on the paper.
And then I shrieked.
I shrieked like a little terrified girl.
I shrieked so shrill and loud that Ariel and Mallory rushed to see if I had managed to lop of a limb or become an electrocuted pile of twitch.
It was worse than that.
So much worse.
How much worse?
SO MUCH worse.
There was a spider the size of a mouse on the paper.
How did I know it was the size of a mouse?
There was a mouse beside it.
It was dead.
They were dead.
But the spider was yellow and black. (Argiope aurantia: Garden Spider)
It was yellow and black and the size of a goddamn mouse!
And it was in the room behind my goddamn room!
Arthropods scare the dharma protecting demons out of me
Because they cheat, that’s why.
You don’t get to wear motherloving full plate armor, and get to be really good at sneaking!
Not at earth’s level cap!
There must be motherfuckery of some sort going on, there simply must be!
Anyhow it took me a healthy bit of nervous ticking and curling into the fetal position and weeping like a terrified baby that hasn't been changed recently enough to get over the situation, and it was back on to vacuuming up water from our carpets and floors.
That's when my shelf broke. It went "smoosh" as I tried to move it.
No big deal; I recently bought a wardrobe to put my stuff in, so I’ll use the broken shelf for a few days, and deal.

All in all we’re doing pretty good, but it’s been a stressful day, and we’re all a little cranky, and the coffee can only do so much, and work is going to be some serious dukkha tomorrow, and I really like run on sentences.
Luckily for us, Ariel made some baller (baller n An expert Juggler Shakespeare) snickerdoodles.