November 11th, 2010
Still Studying for a final tomorrow morning.
And I'm upset.
I'm very upset.
I'm struggling to 'control' my emotions, express them, then move on, dealing with them, sitting in them.
The reality is I need to study if i would like to do well.
The situation is that I'm not handling an instance well.
You see, I'm bad with, well Spanish in general.
Conjugation, and Irregular verbs kill me.
Also, the word pluscuamperfecto is enough to make my head spin without an arbitrary P in front of it, or the addition of de subjunctivo after it.
Our teacher was rather aggressive two days ago, with the students who were still struggling with conjugations, because we are supposed to be past that point in our learning.
'Your adults, in age and in class, you can't miss-conjugate.'
Honestly, with her aggression, which was expressed more in action than in words, and my struggles in this class was enough to make me want to cry in class. Of course I didn't.
Maybe I should have.
I hate crying in class.
I hate crying.
Trying to study I can't shake the voice of 'you should know this by now, what are you stupid?' from that day in class.
If I were in 'Track 2' Spanish, I'd be going over past-tense verbs, right now.
Which isn't difficult, it's something I did in high school.
I am currently in track 3 Spanish, and feel as if I have lied and cheated to get in, because my lack of understanding is second only to the student who isn't in class half the time.
I encountered the same problem in many classes at the U of I.
Class A was stupid easy, so easy in-fact that I'd do poorly in it because I couldn't be bothered.
Class B was ridiculously difficult, and many times I dropped out of a Class B to pick up a Class A, where I felt educationally cheated.
I want to know where the transition is.
Big words from a guy who was complaining about not wanting to use transitions in his essays (Transition sentences just seem masturbatory, 'Change of Subject Cliffhanger,' who gives a toss?)
But seriously, when was I supposed to have magically memorized all of these tenses?
'Oh Kishpike, all your education shouldn't happen in the class-room,' you might be thinking.
I've heard the lecture before, mostly by teachers, that the work has to be done by the students, and that outside of class-room work is more important than what the teacher assigns and offers in the class room.
My response to this statement, mentally of course, is 'Why the fuck am I paying you then? Do you have any idea how much these classes, where "most of my education shouldn't be happening" cost? What do they call you then, if your job isn't to TEACH? A LECTURER? Because I'm sick of getting lectured. Not Class Lectures, personal lectures.'
I have long responses to things.
Maybe its just me, but when an entire class struggles with something, I don't think the root cause is the students.
Maybe its just me, but when a play sucks, it is ALWAYS the directors fault. No questions asked.
Maybe its just me, but maybe, just maybe, education of educators should be something more.
I'm not saying my current teacher isn't apt to teach Spanish, she's doing a fine job (except for the aggressive behavior the other day), but way too often I've encountered shitty teachers.
Since...teachers... are responsible...for... teaching, I don't know, Brain Surgeons, Flight Repair Folk, actually everyone that does anything... you'd think... that maybe, the education, of teachers... would be, better.
Honestly I'm just upset because I have no idea how half of the grammar works for this test, and the book doesn't do a terribly good job of explaining it either. I hate failing, and I hate not understanding why I don't understand.
This Weasel's frustrated.