Right now doesn't feel right.

October 13th, A Wednesday in 2010.


Obligations.
What should I be doing?
I should be writing about the fabulous five day weekend I had.
Visited by the lovely Heather Laura of Crear, Crecer, Creer
Seriously it was great, and a post will come.

Options.
Those of you that know me, will know that because this is what I should be doing. I will instead fill you full of thoughts and opinions. Only here for the Spain? There's a little X in the upper right hand corner that will allow you to exit this not-spain based stream of conscious. Afraid of strong opinions? I recommend the alt+F4 command.

Define.
I am, and have been since Heather left, depressed.
Not sad, I would say, a little bit yes. But mostly without the desire to do anything and a complete lack of interest. It is currently on the rise, but not completely cleared up.
So I sat with it.
I puzzled over it.
Hell, I tried incubating a dream with the sensations of boredom lightly clinging to my spine, and a lack of support weighing down my limbs. My dreams as a result were uninteresting and boring... Which reminded me of the Jason Webley song 'Old man time Ain't No Friend of mine.'
Nothing.

Change.
So instead of sitting puzzling over if I'm blocking out other emotions, lying to myself in some way that I cannot conceive, or if I'm thinking to hard about a real emotional reaction to loneliness, I let my mind wander. And I've had some thoughts.

Why am I in Spain?
To learn, to see, to change. These are all happening. I am not here to have an easy time, or to avoid the chance of failing within the theatre. Spain is not an excuse not to do art. Next semester I will be interning for a theatre company, and this semester I am reading plays and text books I never gave an honest change in school. I am digesting what I learned in school and I am anxious to get back to work. Fear of failure and second guessing myself and the things I observe is not something that I can afford to hold me back. So it won't. I will never stop being afraid of failure, and I doubt I will ever stop second guessing myself. (Was that a mail box or a trash can, did she say thursday or friday, should I get white wine or red.) These things are part of me, but I can't let something that is part of me hold me back either. They serve their purpose and then I move on. I can't let my feet stop me from flying.

I can't.
The phrase above? It's an excuse, and I get so mad at the people who use it.
It seem
A boy, yes that boy, told me he'd like to be an architect, but he couldn't because he couldn't be creative enough, he'd just steal other peoples ideas, and wouldn't be original at all.
There are these two comics which I think some up my opinions on the subject.
The First. The Second. (The red button at the bottom is a mouse-over.)
I hate this mentality. And when people say things like 'I wish I could, but I don't have the...' they support it. Don't support it.
Mamet, and I hate to paraphrase the bastard, states that he doesn't know what talent is, and he doesn't care. I think I agree with him on this. (Chalk another one up to the arrogant bastard.)
So there is something to be said about being honest with oneself.
Sure.
I may never actually be a famous artist, but screw fame, you don't need fame. You need what you want, and if he wants to be an architect he could actually try his hand at it. It probably wouldn't be easy, I've seen how late architect-students stay up, and how little free time they have, but if you want it, you pursue it.
What he should have said was 'I'd like to be an architect, but I'm terrified by failure, so I'm sticking to the safer less satisfying career choice.'

Mistakes.
I've made tons of them. I'm gunna keep making them.
I hope by the time I'm gone I've counted a billion of them.
I have got to stop dwelling on them, learn, and move on.

Desire.
I look at the graffiti around, and realize just how badly everyone wants to be heard. To have their voice made known. Everyone. I don't believe anyone who says otherwise. Maybe that's bigger than sex, bigger than Maslow, bigger than God and religion, bigger than it all. The desire to stand up and say, 'I am here, and I have something to say.' Maybe.

Really.
What I really should be doing now is going home.
I think I will, I don't want to be late for lunch.
Real Blog later. It was good to get this off my chest.
Anyhow, postcards are sent.
If you want one, let me know!


Kishpike Out.

2 comments:

  1. About the "bigger than God and religion", isn't most religion just saying that God pays attention to us?

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  2. In my (limited) experience with the world religions, it is not so much that the greater powers are invested in our actions and voices, but rather these powers seem invested in how we use these to serve them. It's like how being listened to is not quite the same as being heard.

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